Agent R
by GhostWriter267
Summary: Evil is on the loose, but it's not Kim or Ron who'll save the day. Time for the smallest member of Team Possible to spring into action.


_Greetings and salutations, everyone! GhostWriter267 here with my second Kim Possible fanfic. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who read, reviewed and/or favorited my first story "Pleaes and Thank You". Whereas my first KP fic was very serious, this time I've opted for something on the lighter side and went for humor. I can only hope you find it as funny as I do. If you don't, at least it was fun to write. Also, even though it's a bit late, Happy 10th Anniversary KP! Without further ado, on with the show. I do not own Kim Possible or any of the characters._

* * *

**AGENT R**

"_It makes a considerable difference to me, having someone with me on whom I can thoroughly rely."_

_- Holmes. "Sherlock Holmes". 2009_

"Rufus? Hey, little buddy, where are ya?"

Ron Stoppable tromped up the attic stairs and gazed around at his bedroom. Dirty clothes formed a crusty carpet on the barely visible hardwood floor. The blankets from his unmade bed were piled in a misshapen blob. Unfinished homework sheets littered his desk amongst school textbooks stained with potato chip grease and chocolate. The amount of leftover fast food in the room corners could keep a family of raccoons fed for a week.

"Man, it's a good thing I cleaned up last week," Ron said to himself. "The place was starting to smell just a little bit ripe."

A rustling sound was heard coming from the top of the teenage boy's dresser where a large hamster cage sat half-buried in dirty socks. The door to the cage opened and out stepped Rufus, Ron's pet naked mole rat, chittering angrily at his owner.

"Rufus, there you are." Ron held out his arms to embrace his beloved companion, but Rufus just stuck his nose in the air and turned his back to Ron.

"What's the matter, Rufus?"

One pink paw pointed up to the pile of laundry currently invading his personal space.

"Oh, yeah," said Ron, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment. "Sorry about that. Look, I'll do laundry soon, I promise, okay?"

Rufus just huffed and leapt up on his cage to throw away the offending articles of clothing. The little mammal was not inclined to accept his human's apology so easily.

Ron, sensing his friend's resentment, carefully picked his pet up and said, "Rufus, you're not still upset about today are you."

The naked mole rat's silence was all the answer Ron needed. He was upset that Ron would be spending the day with Rufus' other human friend, Kim Possible, and leaving him at home. Ever since his humans finally started to date each other, they'd been leaving Rufus behind more and more. Normally he didn't mind; Rufus understood that the two teens in love needed their time alone.

But today was different. Ron and Kim were going to the Grand Opening of a new Mucho Grande Bueno Nacho and for Ron not to take Rufus to such an auspicious occasion was nothing less than animal cruelty.

"Buddy, we talked about this," cooed Ron. "This is a big event. A lot of the Bueno Nacho brass will be there along with city officials including the Health Inspector. No matter how I feel about you, it wouldn't do for them to see a rodent diving head first into vats of nacho cheese on the first day."

Rufus simply huffed again. Such a flimsy excuse, in his opinion.

"Besides, the only way I was able to convince KP to go with me was if I promised to take her to that chick flick she's been wanting to see: The Previous Evening. Now I know you don't want to sit through that."

The little mammal grimaced and reluctantly agreed that Ron did have a point. Having to witness so much drama and bad acting was likely to affect even his appetite, no matter how many free nacos Bueno Nacho was giving away.

"I promise, next grand opening, it'll be just you and me." Ron could see that Rufus was wavering, so he sought to sweeten the deal. "How about I bring you home a Grande-sized Burrito Combo Platter, huh bud?"

That did it; Rufus couldn't possibly stay mad with that offer. The two friends hugged each other before Ron put Rufus back down on the dresser. "I'll be back later tonight. See ya." With that, Ron went back down the attic steps, leaving Rufus wondering what to do while he waited for his Mexican dinner.

He'd already read the latest issue of The Examiner and he didn't feel like taking a run through his Tube Maze. He supposed he could play a few rounds of Zombie Mayhem II. Rufus had to keep his skills sharp if he wanted to stay on top of the leaderboard.

Rufus hopped off the dresser, found Ron's game system under an old pair of pants and plugged the game in. The start screen had barely popped up on the television when a shrill beeping filled the air. Rufus looked at the game system in confusion, thinking that something might be wrong with it. It wouldn't be the first time the naked mole rat would've had to fix it. So, Rufus shut the power down, but the beeping continued.

The Stoppable family pet was baffled now. He glanced to Ron's computer, but that was also off, and then to Ron's cell phone charging station, but the boy had remembered to take the phone with him this time. And then, just as the beeping was crossing the line from annoying to ear-splitting, Rufus realized there was only one other thing in the room that could be making that sound.

Slowly, reluctantly, Rufus climbed up the dresser to his cage, but stopped right at the doorway. He casually scanned the wire mesh walls, the floor covered with shredded paper and the soda vending machine in the corner next to the miniature fridge.

Now where had he put that thing? Ah, yes, over by his exercise wheel. Rufus trudged over and checked the side of his spherical treadmill. Sure enough, a small red light was blinking and producing the loud beeping.

"Oh no," squeaked the rodent, his whiskers twitching in irritation. This light was not supposed to be blinking. In fact, it was never supposed to blink ever again. He had only kept it in his cage as a personal favor.

Rufus sighed. He supposed he'd have to deal with this otherwise that beeping was going to drive him nuts. The rodent pressed his little paw to the light. Instantly, the room quieted down as the electronic eye scanned Rufus' paw print. Then, a computerized voice said, "_EMERGENCY. REPORT TO HEADQUARTERS IMMEDIATELY_."

Again, Rufus sighed. As much as he would like to ignore this, he'd have to answer the call. Well, at least he wouldn't be bored anymore. Wasting no time, Rufus darted into his Tube Maze until he reached a dusty section long-unnoticed in the corner of the room. He checked to make sure neither of Ron's parents or Hana were coming up the stairs.

Satisfied that he was alone, Rufus quickly donned a brown fedora he pulled from behind his back and then stamped down on the plastic tubing twice with his foot. With a sudden whoosh, a second tube hidden beneath the bedroom floor sprang up and adhered to the Tube Maze directly under Rufus. The little rodent jumped down this second tube and slid out of sight.

As elaborate as the Tube Maze in Ron's room was, this underground version put that one to shame. Dozens of tubes, both wide and narrow, went in all directions, looping and crossing each other, often several times. "Wahoo!" cried Rufus as he zoomed along his private roller coaster, throwing his paws in the air. He had to admit, this part of the job he really had missed.

A scant few seconds later and Rufus found himself sitting in a brown swivel chair surrounded by an assortment of high tech equipment hanging on the surrounding metal walls, including a jet pack, a space suit and scuba gear. Rufus had to stifle a sneeze from the thick layer of dust on everything.

The naked mole rat turned his attention to the giant television screen directly in front of him which showed an older man with white hair and mustache wearing a green uniform with MM monogrammed on the shirt.

"Ah, good afternoon, Agent R," said Major Monogram in his gruff voice. "Good to see you again."

Rufus didn't look so glad to be there. He chittered angrily at his former boss and waved a tiny fist in the air.

"Yes, yes, I realize that you're in retirement, but Agent P was forced to call in sick today and you're the only other agent we could call on."

A flash of concern graced Rufus' face at the news that his old friend was ill. He and Perry had had some great adventures together. He supposed that he could take this last - definitely last - mission for the sake of his friend and fellow agent. Rufus took a deep breath and relented with a small "H'okay."

"Excellent." A window popped up on the screen next to the major showing a tall, hunched man with brown hair and a goofy face wearing a black shirt, slacks and a white lab coat. "Dr. Doofenshmirtz – the only villain we ever seem to fight these days – is up to his old tricks again. Unfortunately, we don't know exactly what those tricks are since _somebody_ broke our spy satellite."

An off-camera voice said, "I was just trying to adjust the trajectory, Sir."

Major Monogram frowned as he said, "Carl, an intern's job is to fetch coffee, not mess with the equipment. Now, get out there, Agent R, and stop Doofenshmirtz."

Rufus gave a sharp salute and quickly bounded out of the room. Major Monogram stayed on the screen, however, and stared at the empty room for a moment before saying, "I was serious about that coffee, Carl, I'm dying of thirst over here."

* * *

"I'm telling you, KP, this is going to be the event of a lifetime. All the higher-ups of the local Bueno Nacho corporate office will be there along with the most esteemed food critics and a special appearance by Carlos Fernando, the grandson of Chef Jose Fernando, the genius who created Diablo Sauce."

A very excited Ron Stoppable blathered on and on about the upcoming restaurant grand opening to a much less excited Kim Possible as the two teenagers strolled along the streets of Danville. As much as she liked seeing her best friend/boyfriend so happy, Kim couldn't help but feel that Ron, like so many other times, was blowing this way out of proportion.

"Ron, are you really sure that all these people are going to be there?" asked Kim. "I mean, it's just another Bueno Nacho. A new one opens every day."

The blond haired boy stopped short and turned to his girlfriend, looking incredulous at her statement. "KP, this is not 'just another Bueno Nacho'," he said, complete with air quotes. "This is the Mucho Grande Bueno Nacho restaurant, the very first one of its kind. They'll be able to serve twice the number of customers in half the time. Picture it Kim: a make your own Taco bar, tortillas and fajitas grilled right at your table and the piece of resistance: a fountain made entirely of nacho cheese!"

"Be still, my clogging arteries," deadpanned Kim.

"Besides," said Ron, oblivious to his friend's lack of enthusiasm, "if it wasn't a big do to, they wouldn't have sent us an engraved invitation."

"It was a coupon for a two for one special on chimichangas."

"A coupon for chimichangas that was sent via certified mail. That should still count."

Kim sighed in a long suffering kind of way. "Look, Ron, I just don't think this is going to be as big a deal as you say. I don't want to see you get your hopes up and then be disappointed."

Ron considered Kim's words with downcast eyes and a slightly drooping smile. But then he saw something that perked him right back up. "I hate to argue with you, Mon Kimala, but if this wasn't going to be a big do to, why would the BN brass hire a pair of professional party planners." The teenage boy pointed to a very flashy flyer taped to a light pole that did indeed advertise that the Mucho Grande Bueno Nacho opening was being organized by special event coordinators.

"Phineas and Ferb?" Kim scratched her red hair as she thought. "I've never heard of them."

"Well, they must be good," said Ron. "I mean, just look how well drawn that poster is."

"Excuse me." Kim turned to see a tall, thin teenage girl with orange hair wearing a red blouse and white skirt standing beside her. The girl was breathing hard, as if she'd just run a mile, and had a kind of manic gleam in her eye. "Did you say Phineas and Ferb?"

"Yes, I did," replied Kim, pointing to the flyer.

The other girl ripped it off the light pole, her eyes shooting back and forth as she mumbled, "Bueno Nacho...Big Event...Cheese Fountain. Oooh, they are so busted." Without another look towards Kim or Ron, she ran off, taking the flyer with her.

"What do you suppose that was all about, Ron?"

"She probably just wanted to hurry to the grand opening, like we should be doing. Come on, KP, chop chop."

* * *

_Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporate-e-e-e-ed_

The humid air slid across Rufus' skin as his hang glider descended towards a tall office building situated in the heart of the Danville Business District. Dr. Doofenshmirtz's laboratory was on the top floor, right in plain view with a giant sign and everything. Rufus wasn't used to a villain's lair being so out in the open. It was a refreshing change of pace.

With a quick swoop up, Rufus expertly landed the glider on the roof of the building. Now to find a way inside. The little secret agent decided he'd go with the old standby: the ventilation system. He hopped over to a small metal tube sticking out of the roof. It was a bit of a tight fit, but with a lot of wiggling, Rufus managed to pull himself in. Thankfully, the duct got larger and Rufus was able to easily make his way within the building, undetected. Eventually, he found the office he was looking for.

Peering through a vent, Rufus took stock of the place. It looked like your standard super villain lair - computer monitors blinking in random patterns, doomsday devises scattered all over the place - but his foe didn't seem to be in sight. Time for stealth mode. As quietly as he could, Rufus detached the grate from the vent opening and cautiously slipped into the laboratory.

Suddenly thick metal bars sprang up from the floor all around him and before Rufus could do anything, he was trapped in a cage. He grabbed the bars and pulled with all his mini-might, but it was no use.

From behind one of the larger inventions stepped Dr. Doofenshmirtz. "Perry the Platypus, so nice of you to...join..." The evil doctor's greeting trailed off as he stared at Rufus with a highly confused look. He bent down to get a closer look. From within his lab coat, he drew a pair of reading glasses and a picture of his normal foe, Agent P.

Doofenshmirtz looked from Rufus to the photo to Rufus to the photo and back to Rufus once more before declaring, "You're not Perry the Platypus."

Rufus could tell he was dealing with a real mind here. The tiny secret agent pulled a small card from inside his hat and handed it to Doofenshmirtz who studied it carefully.

"Rufus the Naked Mole Rat," the inventor mused, rubbing his pointy chin. "They sent over a new guy? Where's Perry the Platypus?"

"Out sick," squeaked Rufus.

Like Rufus had before, Doofenshmirtz immediately adopted an expression of concern. "Oh, gosh, I hope he's okay. I saw him just last week; he seemed fine. You know, I wish they'd let me know. I would have postponed my brilliant plan until he was feeling better." Doofenshmirtz quickly looked to Rufus to make sure the little rodent hadn't taken offense. "Nothing personal, Rufus the Naked Mole Rat, but Perry the Platypus and I have built a strong working relationship over the years. It just feels kind of weird without him here."

Rufus nodded, understanding completely. It was like Kim or Ron going out on a mission without the other.

"Well, since you went to the trouble of coming here, I might as well tell you all about my latest evil scheme." The doctor started to walk away, but hesitated and turned back towards the cage. "Just so you know, this is usually the part where I tell an emotionally scarring back story as the basis for my plan."

Rufus was all ready with his folding chair and a tub of popcorn. He motioned for Doofenshmirtz to continue.

The evil doctor gave the naked mole rat and his popcorn a quizzical look, but simply shrugged it off. "Unlike the wide variety of fast food eateries here in Danville, my hometown of Gimmelshtump had only one kind of restaurant: Mexican restaurants."

Rufus perked up when he heard this. He loved a story about his favorite food group.

"It seemed like there was a Mexican restaurant on every street corner. There was The Sombrero Palace, The Jumping Bean - sort of a coffee fusion kind of place - and my personal favorite: Fiesta Town with a Mariachi band playing all day long. I know that kind of music is annoying at first, but after a few days, it really grows on you."

Rufus munched absentmindedly on his popcorn as he listened eagerly. This was already more interesting that any of Dr. Drakken's plot rants.

"But, alas, I never got to know the joys of Mexican cuisine." Doofenshmirtz sighed dejectedly and slumped his already hunched shoulders. "You see, my mother forbade me from ever eating Mexican food. She said it was too fattening, that I'd burn my tongue and that I wouldn't like it anyway. I never had any money, so I couldn't buy the food myself and my mother refused to order take out. "

"Aw." The little naked mole rat couldn't help but feel sorry for his captor, even if he was evil. No one should be denied that south-of-the-border goodness.

"The closest I could ever get to having a Mexican meal," Doofenshmirtz continued, "was walking past the restaurants after school in my dress and catching the smell of beans and spices in the air."

The doctor noticed that Rufus now had a very confused look on his face. "Oh, if you're wondering why I was wearing a dress at the time, that's a completely different back story altogether."

Rufus cringed, not really sure if he wanted to hear that one.

"Anyway, since I was denied my craving for Mexican as a child, I've decided to reek my revenge..."

Rufus was more than a little miffed. He'd been called back into service for this; some guy who was going to pig out just to spite his mom? How was that evil?

"...by destroying all Mexican food everywhere!"

Oh, well, that was a little better WHAT? Rufus jumped up, stunned. Doofenshmirtz had to be kidding. No one could possibly be that heartless.

"Now, I know what you're thinking," said the doctor, holding up his hands to forestall an argument. "Why don't I just get some take out now that my mother's not around? Well, the reason is because of these." Doofenshmirtz pulled a flyer from within his lab coat that had his picture on it with the caption: DO NOT SERVE TO THIS MAN.

"You see," said an aggravated Doofenshmirtz. "My mother is so determined that I never try Mexican food that she's put these up in every Mexican restaurant in the world. And if I can't enjoy a taco, then no one will!"

Rufus squeaked angrily and pounded against the bars of his cage. This man was mad. A world without Mexican food? Rufus couldn't imagine a worse fate.

"I can see that you're curious as to how I will accomplish my brilliant scheme." Doofenshmirtz walked over to a parked hovercraft with some kind of large device on it that was covered with a white sheet. "Well, let me ask you this: what is it about Mexican food that makes it so tasty?"

The answer was obvious to Rufus. "Cheese!"

"That's right," said the doctor. "And I will destroy nacho cheese with this!' He pulled the sheet off, revealing a large ray gun with all kinds of blinking lights and tubes running through it. "The Anti-Nacho Cheese-inator! This laser will evaporate every drop of nacho cheese in the Tri-State area!"

Burning rage coursed through every fiber of Rufus' little body. This was just too much, the final straw. It was one thing to threaten Mexican food in general, but to directly attack cheese - the purest and most delicious thing on the face of the earth - that was crossing the line. Rufus punched and kicked for all he was worth, struggling desperately against the metal bars that held him back.

"Oh, it looks like I've struck a nerve," taunted Doofenshmirtz. "You don't like my evil scheme? Well, there's nothing you can do trapped inside that cage."

Rufus huffed, growled and with one mighty yank, ripped the cage bars apart.

"Wow," said Doofenshmirtz in disbelief. "Didn't see that coming." He also didn't see Rufus lunge at him and deliver a jump kick to his chin. Doofenshmirtz staggered back as the angry secret agent landed another blow to his face and two to his stomach.

"That's enough of that," said the doctor, drawing a gun from his belt. "Have a taste of my laser pistol, Rufus the Naked Mole Rat." Doofenshmirtz pulled the trigger and Rufus got ready to dodge the blast, but none came. Doofenshmirtz tried again, but still, nothing happened.

"Oh, come one, what's wrong with this thing?" The villain opened a small compartment on the gun and looked inside. "No batteries. Typical. And I just went shopping this morning and I knew I would forget something. I guess I can't use this laser now."

Seeing his opponent now weaponless, Rufus jumped into the air to punch Doofenshmirtz's lights out, but the doctor whipped out another gun and fired a net that caught Rufus and flung him to the floor.

"Fortunately, my net launcher works on an air pump. It's diabolical and environmentally friendly." Doofenshmirtz hopped onto the hovercraft, looking over his shoulder at the struggling secret agent. "Farewell, Rufus the Naked Mole Rat."

Engines fired and the hovercraft lifted from the ground. Rufus had to work quickly. Using his sharp front teeth, the rodent started chewing through the rope net. In seconds he was free and scampering towards Doofenshmirtz who was now flying away from the building. Putting on a burst of speed, Rufus ran to the edge of the balcony, leapt into the air, reached out to grabbed the side of the hovercraft and...just barely missed it.

Huh. Well, that didn't work out, did it?

The wind once again lashed across Rufus' skin as he plummeted from the dizzying height of Doofenshmirtz Evil, Inc. He squeaked in fright as the ground rushed up to meet him. Twisting his body in midair, Rufus pulled out a miniature hair dryer/grappling hook, just like the one his human, Kim, had and fired it at the retreating hovercraft. The hook snagged the underside of the craft and Rufus found himself being dragged behind as Doofenshmirtz flew off to have his revenge.

* * *

"Wow, I guess this event is a lot more popular than I thought it'd be." That was an understatement. Kim and Ron had arrived at the address of the new Mucho Grande Bueno Nacho to find the place was already packed solid. In fact, there were so many people waiting to get into the restaurant that the crowd was spilling out into the streets and backing up traffic everywhere.

"Told ya, KP," said Ron proudly. "The event of a lifetime." Ron did have a good reason to be a little smug. When they'd first got there, the duo had a hard time trying to push their way through the throng. That is, until one of the BN public relations people noticed that the inventor of the Naco himself was in attendance. Ron and Kim had immediately been guided inside the restaurant and now stood at the front counter, facing the crowd.

Kim smiled at the eager face of her boyfriend. It was good to see him getting recognized for once instead of her. She turned her attention back to the speaker as the dedication ceremony drew to a close.

"...and now, it gives me great pleasure to introduce the two people who have made this grand opening such a memorable occasion, Phineas and Ferb!

As the crowd roared and clapped, two small figures approached the microphone. One was a small boy with a triangular shaped head and a tuff of red hair. He wore a white and orange stripped shirt and blue shorts. The second figure was a slightly taller boy with a long face, green hair and purple pants hitched up right to his underarms.

The smaller boy took the microphone with a big smile on his face and waved to the screaming crowd of Mexican food enthusiasts. "My brother, Ferb, and I would like to thank all of you for coming out today and making this grand opening such a success."

"Wait, wait," said Kim, bending low to mutter in Phineas' ear. "You're the one who set this whole thing up? The party, the advertisements? Everything?"

"Of course," Phineas replied politely.

"Aren't you a little young to be event coordinators?" asked Kim with a raised eyebrow.

"Why, yes," said Phineas, "Yes, we are." The boy turned back from a slightly bewildered Kim to the waiting crowd. "And we'd like to thank the Fireside Girls for helping with the decorations and entertainment."

Off to the side was a group of a half-dozen girls in orange and brown uniforms and sashes decorated with various merit badges. Their leader, a girl with black hair and a pink bow, waved and said, "We're just happy to help out the public whenever possible. That's the Fireside Girls way"

Another one of the other girls spoke up. "But, Isabella, I thought we were doing this to earn our International Ethnicity badges and so you could impress Phineas."

"Shut up, Holly," Isabella muttered out of the corner of her mouth.

"So, bon appetit, everyone!" Now that all the speeches were done, a gaggle of waiters came out from behind the counter carrying trays piled high with tacos, nacos, burritos, enchiladas, fajitas and all other manner of Mexican goodies. With quick bows and friendly smiles, they inserted themselves into the crowd and began serving their patrons.

In a matter of seconds, Ron had already managed to snag two plates piled high with the free samples. He handed one plate to his girlfriend as the two teens conversed with the two young entrepreneurs.

"Wow, Team Possible," said Phineas in awe. "We're so glad that heroes as famous as you could come to the grand opening. We're such big fans, aren't we, Ferb?"

The green haired boy said nothing, just stood there giving a blank stare. He raised his hands, a pen and notepad clutched in his fists.

"Ferb, don't ask for an autograph now; it's unprofessional," Phineas gently scolded. "Wait until later."

Ferb dropped his hands back down without the slightest change in expression.

"Well, we're honored to be here," said Kim courteously.

"Yeah, and you guys have done a badical job," said Ron, food threatening to spill out of his full mouth.

"You haven't even seen the best part yet," Phineas assured the two teen heroes. He lead them deeper into the building to a large, shallow pool filled to the brim with a thick yellow liquid directly underneath a circular skylight.

Kim peered over the rim of the pool which was at about waist height. She leaned closer to get a good look at the contents. "It that...?"

Ron stuck a finger into the gooey liquid and sucked it clean. "It's nacho cheese!" A broad grin burst onto his face. "What brilliance! A nacho cheese wading pool! It's my fondest dream come true. Too bad I didn't think to bring my bathing suit, but I can still stick my feet in." The eager boy immediately bent down to untie his shoes.

"No, no," said Phineas with an indulgent laugh. "It's not a wading pool. It's the cheese fountain."

"Ooh," said Ron, only slightly disappointed. "Well, where's the fountain-y part. You know, where the cheese shoots up and comes back down?"

"We were just about to turn in on. Ready, Ferb?"

The taller boy stood next to a lever on the side of the pool. He gave a thumbs up and threw the lever. A deep rumbling shook the restaurant floor as a mass of twisting metal pipes rose up from the center of the pool.

"I sure hope that doesn't violate some kind of health code," commented Ron.

Another series of vibrations and nacho cheese burst out of each of the tubes, the streams raising high through the skylight to form 3-D cheese likeness of both Kim and Ron over the restaurant.

"Wow," said a stunned Kim. "That's just...wow."

"Since we knew you'd be coming to the grand opening, we wanted to do something dedicated to a hero like yourself and, of course, the creator of the Naco," Phineas explained.

"How did you know for sure that we'd be here?" inquired Kim.

"Didn't you get the invitation we sent?"

Ron shot Kim another smug grin as the teen girl just rolled her eyes. "It must have taken you guys a while to make this."

"Not really," said Phineas modestly. "We gained a lot of experience from our other cheese project."

"And that would be?"

"Cheesetopia," said Phineas grandly. "We made an amusement park dedicated to cheese and encompassed it in a cheese building."

Kim and Ron shared a private look between them. "You built a building made of cheese?"

"That's right."

"Have you ever done work in Wisconsin before?" asked Ron.

Ferb spoke for the first time, his voice a deep baritone. "It is possible. We do get around."

"You know, Ron," said Kim. "I'm not one for massive amounts of attention, but if we were ever to be immortalized, I never thought it would be in cheese."

"I know," said Ron. "Isn't it great?" He held out a basket of chips towards Kim. "Dig in, KP."

Kim waved her boyfriend off. "Oh, no, you go ahead. Eating something that looks like us is just a little too weird for me."

The never-normal teen boy shrugged and dug a tortilla chip into the cheese in the pool, pulling out a big glob. Just as he raised it to his lips, there was a flash of red light and all of the cheese in the fountain and on Ron's chip suddenly evaporated.

Ron didn't notice this and proceeded to eat. As he was chewing his chip, his face turned thoughtful and he said, "You're not missing much, KP. There's not much flavor to this cheese and it's not very filling.

* * *

"NO!" Rufus was horrified at the sight he had witness while dangling from the bottom of Doofenshmirtz hovercraft. Every single drop of nacho cheese - gone. And from a Bueno Nacho no less. Unacceptable. Rufus had to stop this madman before any more of the world's most delicious food could be mercilessly slaughtered.

Swinging his legs back and forth, the little rodent was able to gain some momentum and flip himself onto the surface of the hovercraft. Dr. Doofenshmirtz was so busy admiring his handiwork that he didn't notice the secret agent's presence.

"Ha ha! It works! Take that, Mother! The entire Tri-State area will rue the day you didn't let me order take out!"

This guy definitely needed therapy. But, since Rufus did not have a degree in psychology, he'd have to think of something else. Quickly, the tiny hero unspooled the cable from his grapple gun and wound it around the distracted doctor's legs.

"Now, let's see," mused Doofenshmirtz. "What should be my next target? I think there's a Badical Burrito on 5th Avenue. Where am I now; Main Street? I guess the fastest way would be to cut through downtown...Whoa!"

With one yank, Rufus pulled Doofenshmirtz's legs out from under him and the evil scientist crashed to the floor of the hovercraft. Rufus immediately jumped onto the control panel of the Anti-Nacho Cheese-inator, looking desperately for a way to disable it.

"Looking for the self destruct button?" Rufus turned to find Doofenshmirtz had already untangled himself and was looking at the secret agent with a very satisfied grin. "Well, sorry to disappoint you, Rufus the Naked Mole Rat, but My Anti-Nacho Cheese-inator doesn't have one."

"Huh?" No self destruct? Was he even allowed to do that?

"Yes, you see I recently purchased this self-help manual: How To Be A Better Evil Villain in 10 Easy Steps," said Doofenshmirtz, holding up a thin pamphlet. "And the number one rule is: No self destruct buttons on your doomsday devices. I don't know what the other rules are. They want me to send in another $12.95 to find out; that's where they stick you. But I think this first rule alone is really going to step up my game."

Rufus hoped Dr. Drakken hadn't heard of this.

"Oh, and more bad news for you," Doofenshmirtz said to Rufus as he whipped out the same laser pistol he had in the lab. "I found some batteries in the glove compartment of the hovercraft. Say goodbye, rodent."

Well, if Rufus couldn't destroy this monstrosity with the flick of a switch, he'd have to get a bit more invasive. Before his foe could get off a shot, Rufus tore open a panel on the Anti-Nacho Cheese-inator and climbed into it.

Doofenshmirtz was startled at first, but soon he was sticking his hand into the panel, desperately trying to reach Rufus. "Rufus the Naked Mole Rat, you come out of my machine right now."

Ignoring Doofenshmirtz's demands, Rufus made his way deep into the machine, right down to the base where a thick batch of colored cables were stationed. After inspecting the bundle for a moment or two, Rufus started to pull out certain wires and plug them back in at different spots. Once he was done, he scrambled up to a second batch of wires, then a third and a fourth. Rufus could have just ripped everything apart and shut the machine down, but the naked mole rate decided to be a bit more creative.

While the secret agent was working, Doofenshmirtz was still trying to get Rufus out of his precious machine. "You better not be screwing around with anything in there, Rufus the Naked Mole Rat. That's just going to void the warranty."

A high pitched growled sounded from inside the machine and Doofenshmirtz felt a tight pinch on his wrist. With an equally high pitched yelp, he pulled back his hand from the open panel and Rufus jumped out, baring his teeth in warning.

"I can't believe you bit me!" exclaimed Doofenshmirtz. He rubbed his wrist, dropping his laser pistol in the process. "I hope you've had all your shots."

Rufus stomped his paw on one of the buttons on the control panel and the barrel of the Anti-Nacho Cheese-inator swung away from the city below to point right at Doofenshmirtz.

The evil doctor looked surprised, but not worried. Indeed, he let a smile creep onto his face and laughed to himself as if at some private joke. "So, going to zap me with my own ray gun, eh? I gotta give you props for the irony. Or is it poetic justice. I always get those confused. Anyway, sorry to disappoint you, Rufus the Naked Mole Rat, but my machine only disintegrates Nacho Cheese. In your face!"

Now it was Rufus' turn to smile as he pressed the trigger. There was a flash of green light and suddenly Doofenshmirtz and the entire hovercraft was covered in a thick layer of gooey melted cheese.

"Oh, man," moaned Doofenshmirtz as he wiped the sticky yellow substance off of his face. "You reversed the pol-dairity of my machine? Now that's definitely irony, right there."

Rufus jumped off the control panel and executed a perfect swan dive into the viscous pool. Swimming below the surface, the secret agent quickly made his way past Doofenshmirtz who angrily tried to squish the offending rodent, but the cheese was too sticky and the mad doctor could barely lift his leg. On the other hand, all those years of digging through Ron's nachos and tunneling through his burritos allowed Rufus to maneuver through the cheese like a dolphin in water and soon he was standing on the steering controls for the hovercraft.

"You'll pay for this, Rufus the Naked Mole Rat," fumed Doofenshmirtz. "And you are definitely getting a dry cleaning bill for this lab coat."

The enraged villain smashed his fists down on the cheese covered controls, blindly trying to hit Rufus, but the little rodent easily avoided the clumsy attacks until..."

WHAM!

_Self destruct initiated._

"Say what?" Doofenshmirtz wiped away some of the cheese from the control panel and saw that he had accidentally pressed the self destruct button for the hovercraft. "I left off the self destruct on the doomsday machine, but not the hovercraft?" The doctor put a sticky finger to his chin in thought. "You know, maybe I should have paid for the next installment of that self-help manual after all."

The engines on the underside of the hovercraft exploded, making the entire craft shake wildly in the air. The craft plummeted to Earth, a trail of smoke, fire and dairy product trailing behind. Leaping to safety, Rufus pulled on the brim of his fedora, activating a secret switch and transforming the hat into his hang glider. As he sailed away on the breeze, the secret agent heard his enemy cry, "Curse you, Rufus the Naked Mole Rat!" right before the hovercraft crashed into a park below.

* * *

Back at Bueno Nacho, Kim, Ron, Phineas, Ferb and the assembled BN brass were dealing with the sudden disappearance of the highlight of the grand opening celebration: the nacho cheese fountain. At first, Kim had been pretty shocked when all the cheese had just suddenly vanished. Now, though, the thing that shocked Kim the most was how not-shocked everyone else seemed to be.

The restaurant officials took the supposed disaster in stride, calmly explaining to the crowd that the fountain was experiencing technical difficulties and would be shut down until further notice. After a round of disappointed mumbling, the customers accepted the fact and turned to the other event attractions and more free samples.

Even the two younger boys, the ones who organized the entire event, did little more than shrug their shoulders in confusion at the loss of their cheesy masterpiece. "Too bad," commented Phineas. "We didn't even get to taste it."

"Too bad?" asked Kim in disbelief. "Gallons of nacho cheese just up and evaporates and that's all you can say?"

"Nothing we make ever seems to last very long," explained Phineas.

"You get used to it," Ferb said in agreement.

"Not to worry, KP," called Ron who, at that moment, had one arm reaching down into one of the pipes in the center of the fountain, desperately trying to find some scrap of cheese that had been left behind. "Just give me a minute and we'll have cheese covered nachos before you can say..." The teen boy tried to yank his arm out of the pipe, but to no avail. "Uh, my arm is stuck. Little help here?"

Kim just rolled her eyes again; a standard response to her boyfriend's antics.

"Mom, mom, mom!"

Everyone turned to see the same girl who had run off with the BN flyer earlier come stampeding into the restaurant pulling along an older woman sporting similar orange hair, a yellow shirt and green pants.

"Candace Flynn, what is so important that you rushed me away from my North American Quilters Association meeting?"

"Take a look at that!" Candace gestured with a flourish to Phineas and Ferb standing beside the empty fountain pool and Ron with a sheepish smile still trying to get his arm out of the pipe. "Well?" said Candace, who had yet to actually look at the scene behind her. "What do you think of this?"

"Honestly, Candace, there was no need to drag me halfway across town," said Candace's mom with more than a hint of irritation. "If you wanted Mexican for dinner, you only had to ask."

"What? No, no, no, I'm talking about the giant cheese fountain..." Finally, Candace turned around and saw that he object in question had disappeared. "...that isn't there."

"Sorry, Candace, but you missed it," said Phineas.

"The story of my life," said the girl dejectedly.

"Oh, hey kids," said Mrs. Flynn once she saw the two boys. "What do you say to Nacos for dinner?"

"Sounds good," said Phineas. "Don't forget the extra Diablo Sauce for Ferb."

"It's not Mexican food if it's not burning a hole in your stomach," said the older boy.

The two boys and their mom went over to the counter, leaving a very depressed and defeated Candace behind.

"Why is my life cursed with two annoying brothers whose wacky inventions cause me nothing but pain and misery?"

Kim walked over to Candace and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I feel your pain, sister."

* * *

Not too far away, Dr. Doofenshmirtz was crawling out of the wreckage of his downed hovercraft. Despite his evil - and more than a little demented - scheme going south, the doctor seemed pretty happy.

"Ha ha! The joke is on you, Rufus the Naked Mole Rat. Even in defeat, I have achieved victory for now I can eat nacho cheese to my heart's content." Producing a bag of tortilla chips, Doofenshmirtz used one to scrape some of the cheese off his coat and ate the chip with a satisfying crunch.

"Mmmm. Mmmmuck! Yuck, oh that's disgusting. It tastes like wet cardboard. People actually like this stuff. Ow! Oh, I think I burnt my tongue."

* * *

"Congratulations, Agent R, on a job well done." Rufus was back in his secret headquarters under the Stoppable house and had just finished giving his report to Major Monogram. "And there was no trace of the Anti-Nacho Cheese-inator left?"

"Uh uh," squeaked Rufus, shaking his head.

"Very good." Monogram saluted Rufus with a proud glint in his eye. "Thanks to you, the world is save for cheese eaters once more."

"Except for those who are lactose intolerant," said a nasally off-screen voice.

Monogram's face drooped as he said, "You just had to go there, didn't you, Carl?"

"Hey, Rufus, I'm back."

The little rodent started at the sound of Ron's voice. "Gotta go!" He quickly ended the communication and scampered back up the pipe maze and into Ron's room where said teen was searching for his pet.

"Oh, there you are, Rufus," Ron said happily. He brought his hands out from behind his back and presented his friend with a large to-go box. "As promised, one Grande-sized Burrito Combo Platter."

"Yum." The naked mole rat popped open the box and deeply inhaled the wonderful smells of beef, beans and rice.

"Just one thing," said Ron, looking slightly embarrassed. "There was some kind of weird mishap at the grand opening, so your food doesn't have any cheese." Ron grimaced, as if just saying such a horrible thing left a bad taste in his mouth. "I'm sorry, little buddy."

Rufus just waved off Ron's apology. "No big."

"You sure?" This was surprising; Rufus loved his cheese.

The naked mole rat simply nodded with a big smile.

"Okay then," said Ron uncertainly. "Well, I have to go. Still gotta take KP to that chick flick."

Rufus stuck out his tongue in a big raspberry.

"Yeah, I know, but I do owe her. Besides, afterwards we're going to over to our special place in the park and..." Ron glanced to Rufus who was looking at him with a knowing smirk. "...well, never mind what we're going to do. Don't wait up." And with that, Ron left again.

The naked mole rat took one look at his cheese-less dinner and hopped over to Ron's closet. With great effort, he pushed open the door to reveal the Anti-Nacho Cheese-inator nettled inside, completely intact. Rufus positioned the ray at his burrito platter and pressed the trigger. A flash of green light and his Mexican take out was now swimming in melted cheese.

"Cheese!" shouted Rufus, diving into the box to enjoy his well earned reward.

* * *

_And that's it. I certainly hope you enjoyed it. This story marks my first crossover, buy I didn't want to put it in the crossover section of Fanfiction so as not to spoil anything. I know it doesn't seem like a true Phineas and Ferb episode without a musical number, but I've got a thing against songfics. Writing the lyrics out? It just doesn't make any sense to me. If you really need music, the obvious choice is the Naked Mole Rap, so if you have the KP soundtrack, you can play it in the background while you read. The Badical Burrito I mentioned in the story is a homage to MrDrP's KP story "Epic Sitch" - a must read for any KP fan. If any of the other restaurants I mentioned are real, I don't own them either. Reviews and constructive criticism are always welcome. Also, I invite you to read my other KP story and my Smash Bros. story "Subspace Redux" which I hope to update in the next month or so. Thank you for reading._


End file.
